Wednesday, November 7, 2012


This is going to be a very difficult post.  Most of you know that I started this blog as a journal to chart and keep track of the many happenings on my farm while being an alpaca breeder.  That was often very entertaining, and I rarely lacked in subject matter to write about.  But, with the death of my husband, my whole world turned upside down, and these last two years have been extremely difficult for me.  My cousin Carolyn knows that when I have not blogged for awhile, I am having hard times.  My Mother was the same way.  She always knew that if they had not received at least one letter a week from me while I was in college, it was time for her to bite the bullet and pay for a long distance call to check in on me.  It is hard to write when you are not feeling "up".
Many of you have commented on my strength and upbeat attitude during times of adversity, and I guess I acknowledge that to a certain extent.  The truth is it has been a long, torturous journey for me.  I go to bed crying, and I often wake up crying.  Fortunately, I have some of the most amazing friends a person could ever hope for.  On top of that is my brother who has been my rock
Staying in Nooksack, on the farm, has been a love/hate relationship.  There are so many memories here, yet I feel as if there is this oppressive giant thumb holding me down, preventing me from getting on with my life.  To complicate matters, I am still unable to drive on the freeways without having a panic attack.  I don't know if that is because my brain is still adjusting to the eye surgery and the shock of having two eyes in perfect alignment, or if I have caused a habitual fear based on the difficulties I had prior to having my vision corrected surgically. This has limited my independence and my ability to get away to visit my kids and friends on a regular basis.  Living out here in Nooksack, I am really quite isolated, and with the onset of Standard time with the darkness coning earlier, I realize how much I hate the winters here.
A year ago, I wanted to sell the farm and move back home to Seattle, but a conflict with a relative prevented me from doing so.  I tried my hardest to make it work, but I was working my tail off and my health was in jeopardy.  After months of doctor's visits, tests and trips to the emergency room, the discovery that I'm suffering from a mold allergy is such a relief.  I had gotten so tired of hearing "Linda, we don't know what is wrong with you".
That was the final straw that set me in action.  I've been through a "process", coming to the decision to move, and even my closest friends are finding it hard to believe I will be leaving them.
I have been at my brother's, housesitting while he and his wife are on vacation, and today I went looking at condominiums.  These are distressed properties, either short sales or forelosures.  I went with the Realtor, and told her up front that I didn't think I would be buying, but wouldn't you know I found a place I just love, and in the neighborhood I was hoping for.
It is going to be another process, and being a short sale, it will take time.  But, I'm being hopeful.
Can you imagine me living in a condominium?  No yard, no flower garden?  No lawnmowers to fight with.  Who ever said I had to be a lawnmower mechanic?  Or plumber, or gutter cleaner, or ditch digger.  Oh, I could go on and on.  Of course, you probably read my list.
The second anniversary of my husband's death is coming up on Dec. 21, and I hope to be living termporarily in my brother's basement by then.
But here is some wisdom for everyone.  Treasure your spouse, your better half..  Watch out for their health as seriously as you look out for your own.  
Have you ever been in a room full of people who love you, and feel completely alone?  I miss being able to look across the room to catch the eye of my man.  With just that simple look, an entire history passes between you, and no words are necessary.  You both know and feel it in your heart.
As exciting as the changes are coming my way, this is going to be a hard time for me
I'm looking forward to a new year and a new life..


Tangos Treasures said...


Susan said...

Big Hugs Linda.. God Bless..

Gene Black said...

It is time to take care of YOU. I can tell that you know it, now you need to own it.
(okay, I did my Jewish mama thing)

Just know I love you and think about you. You have lots of friends all over the country. Still I know that feeling of being adrift on an ocean surrounded by water and dying of thirst. Just take it one step at a time and know that only you can decide what is right for you.

Jean(ie) said...

Big hugs, Linda! I know that the process of change is daunting enough. Add in grief and it can really throw one in a tailspin.

P.S. I'm with you about driving the freeways up here. Too much darn traffic, especially close to the cities. I am thankful they are not like Nashville drivers up here (Nashville drivers drive VERY fast!). But still I know what you mean.

I need to get out of the house something fierce. I've been here since January and haven't got one friend I can call to just go out and do something. So unlike me...

Looks like we need to get together. You got my email. Drop me a line. OK?

luv2quilt2 said...

I wish I was close enough to give you a big hug. But since I'm not, please know that I'm thinking of you and praying for you.

Cathy K said...

Your story really touches me with its candor and - I don't know if this is the right word - rawness. IMHO, you have given the status quo a shot and realized that you need to move beyond your current physical situation. Maybe the change there will help the healing of some of the emotional hurdles. That, and time. The pain may not go away, but hopefully some of the tears eventually will. I dare say that those of us who love deeply also hurt deeply.

I do cherish my dear Bruce every day. We will celebrate our tenth anniversary next summer (11 years of being together). He is the love of my life. But I know that some day, our time together will come to an end. It hurts just to think about it, but that is the way of things...

((((((((Hugs))))))))) to you, dear lady! You are in my thoughts...


Barb said...

It is hard to believe that he has been gone for two years.....wish you luck in your new venture.