Tuesday, April 29, 2014

The Beat Goes On

It's been a melancholy day as I rushed around signing the final papers on the sale of the back 30 acres of Lost River Farms.  It has been on a lease option for the past 4 years, but will convert to a deed and note tomorrow.  So, I bid a final good bye to the place I loved with all my heart.  I put my blood, sweat and tears into that place for 13 years, taking a decrepit, run down dairy farm and turning it into a showplace.  My husband, Alan's, ashes are strewn here.  Before I left I took a walk with him, talking about things.  Memories.  Accomplishments.
I don't know if I will ever be able to go back.  The pain is too great.  But I could not go forward with my life there for many many reasons.
Now, when I go back and look at pictures, I am not sad, but proud.
But still.

So I continue with my withdrawal.  Yuck.  Yesterday I was exhausted beyond my own recognition.  And I cried at everything.  I must be better today, since I accomplished a lot and dealt with plenty of frustrations, including dealing with the Apple Store.  They were less than helpful.
I had to buy some new, baggy clothes since the edema has me so swollen, I feel like a balloon.  I wish I could prick myself with a pin and it would all drain away.
So, it's time for bed, and hoping to be so much better in the morning.


Gene Black said...

Sometimes we have to let go of the past to move forward. Yes it can be hard but it can also be healing. Even those tears are healing - although at the time it may feel as if it is tearing you apart.

Be strong, be brave, but also be weak and vulnerable - yes it is a paradox, but then so is most of life.

Big hugs to you.

Jean(ie) said...

Oh my dear... sending lots of love and hugs your way. Grief is tough. Just plain tough.

Hope you can work trhough the withdrawal. I hate the "electrical" wah-wahs in the brain from that stuff (and the constant ear ringing). It's enough to drive one batty.